Octopus II – Electric Deathaloo

OK, so more octopode news (here’s a link to my other warnings) Maybe I need to start a new website called eightleggeddeath.com or something.

Anyway, 2 more articles! My man Jim Mac sent me this one – to summarize, and octopus at the Dunedin aquarium in New Zealand went missing for five days. They found him – and I swear to Christ I’m not making this up – making a break for the door. Another octopus had tried to escape from the same tank before, and they found him halfway up the staircase. My first question, of course, is what to ask what the hell they’re doing to these ocotopi in New Zealand. The second question goes something like … WERE THEY FUCKING WALKING ACROSS THE FLOOR, OR WERE THEY DRIVING LITTLE SPACESHIPS OR SOMETHING? Either one would make sense, to be completely honest. Either one should mean we need to nuke the entire site from orbit.

And this one was a doozy – again, to summarize, an octopus at the Santa Monica Pier aquarium apparently “disassembled the recycle system’s valve” inside his tank and flooded the place with 200 gallons of seawater. No doubt he was hoping there would be children there, but he didn’t get an opportunity. My favorite part of the story: “The tiny octopus, which is about the size of a human forearm when its appendages are extended, floated lazily in the water that remained in its tank. It watched intently through glass walls and portholes as workers struggled to dry the place out in time for the day’s first busload of schoolchildren to arrive on a 9:30 a.m. field trip.”

Oh, I BET he fucking watched them clean up. And you know what he thought about that entire time? Murder. About how his experiment to see what the recycling sytem did was just a little piece in the puzzle, flooding the place, screaming children and adults crushed under a deluge of water, and him wandering around, not eating, but … RECYCLING. You don’t even want to know what that means. I think he also pulled the recycle system so he could get more parts to make a weapon – a laser of some sort, in all probability.

So, in closing – the economy, the environment, the war … none of that shit matters. What you need to concern yourself with is less Dow 6,000 and more Octopode 2012, when they take over the goddamned world. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

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