Our New Masters

People might think I’m crazy, but I think octopi are going to rule the fucking world. People might also think I’m crazy because I keep pelting cops with oreos, but I can assure you my latest avant garde art piece entitled “Where Are The Donuts Now?” will be the toast of le Centre Pompidou, just as soon as my legal team finishes the paperwork. Oh, it’s going to be a break-out hit. I am going to be SO RICH, and anyone who was ever mean to me EVER is going to feel the full force of what several hundred thousand dollars can do to someone else’s reputation (side note: figure out how you can make someone sad with several hundred thousand dollars).

Where was I? Ah yes – are benevolent masters, octopi. Need proof?

  • An octopus named Otto has “been annoyed by the bright light shining into his aquarium” at the Sea Star Aquarium in Germany, so he climbs up on the rim of his tank and squirts it with water, thus shorting it out. He’s also known for “juggling the hermit crabs in his tank” and “[throwing] stones against [the tank's] glass, damaging it”. Finally, he sometimes rearranges his tank, building a deep pit where he puts other fish and tells them to put the lotion in the basket.

    I can see him now in my mind’s eye, watching the human beings walk by in boredom, and thinking to himself “I wonder how they work. I’m going to take them apart to find out, and then I will be the one on the outside of the tank.”

  • I can’t remember where I read this, but … some aquarium decided that it would be an awesome idea to add sharks into a big tank that had a bunch of fish and an octopus in it. Every week they’d come in and there would be a dead shark in the tank. They decided to film the tank overnight to see what happened.

    A shark swims along, thinking it’s pretty fucking badass. “I’m pretty badass,” he thinks. “I’m a shark. I’m a killing MACHINE, bro. You don’t want a piece of this. Who’s going to mess with me? WHO WANTS A PIECE OF THE … hey, what’s that?…”

    that’s what I imagine the shark’s last thoughts were. The octopus would lie camouflaged, in wait. As the shark strutted by, it would pop out of the shadows, grab the shark, and choke it to death. Then … I swear to Christ … it would let the shark go, floating its corpse back to the surface. It wasn’t interested in eating. It was only interested in murder. Octopi are the ninjas of the deep.

  • This is about squids, but they are in the same family or something. Some fool scientists were in a shark cage, feeding the giant squid (I don’t remember where I saw this, either). And there’s this other giant squid in the background, just kind of watching – watching while a giant piece of salami inside a box fed them anchovies (squid hate anchovies). And this squid swims over, reaches a tentacle through the cage … and unlocks the door and starts to open it. Yeah – it had sat there and figured out how the door worked by watching the scientists get in and out of it, and thought to itself “fuck your little science box. I am 100% going to open it and eat you.”

So this is a message to our future masters – please don’t hurt me. I am an artist. And I will work tirelessly to subjugate my brethren. Please be merciful. And if you could slay anyone who was ever mean to me EVER, I would greatly appreciate it.

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