Crazy Time

Today is dedicated to being crazy. Here are some of my personal favorites, mostly because they actually appear to have some traction:

* The Bay Area Filipina Suicides – these women committed suicide because President Bush and the rest of the gub’ment shot them with electromagnetic satellite lasers and then used them as sex slaves and then forced them to commit suicide.

* Reptoids – the Terristrial Reptoid Hypothesis believes that there were lizardmen who lived on Earth before but were driven underground because of some sort of apocalypes, and they have continued to evolve into sentient beings. The lizardmen have representatives in the fields of both science and the military, and look just like us sometimes. When we see UFOs, they’re really lizardmen who have been caught with their proverbial pants down.

* The Illuminati – Steve Jackson aside, how can you not love the Illuminati? Pulling the strings behind everything that happens in some complex game you can only guess at, the eminence gris of not just *this* world, but of many other worlds besides. The Illuminati have taken the place in my heart of “God”, like if someone says “why are there whales?” instead of saying “because God made them” I can say “because of the fucking ILLUMINATI, man!” Other great things: the diplomat Xavier von Zwack-off (no shit) said he was a member. And they have a rank called “Illuminatus dirigens” or “the Scotch Knight”. Or at least that’s what they *want* you to believe, man. Who knows?

* Machine elves – this is the second one (or third one) that Jeff Rowland mentioned, but I don’t care – I was talking about Machine Elves before he was even BORN, man. Machine Elves are the little creatures who would visit you and show you these advanced, multi-dimensional machines and speak to you in an advanced language while you were out of your goddamn cabbage on drugs. They represent some kind of interstellar guides who are trying to teach you something – how to cure cancer, or where you left your keys or something.

* 9/11 Conspiracy – I’m not getting into this one. Suffice it to say me and E-money got to experience some of the crazy that just oozes out of this theories supporters first hand at the last HOPE convention. Whew.

* Pretty much aliens anything – The page for Malevolent Alien Abduction Research is great – check out the names of the different alien “races” we’ve encountered (“The Son’s of Darkness”, “White Brotherhood of Light”, the “Winged Draconians”), they’re like a really bad Saturday afternoon of Dungeons and Dragons. My favorite subtheory is about how aliens seeded the earth with – I dunno, human seeds or something – and that’s why we have pyramids. Ta-daa!

Two things to take away from this: 1) I love the internet, and 2) it’s only crazy until it’s real.

This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.