Outtie 500

Location: Somewhere outside Cleaveland, OH


I spent my last week on the east coast at Sean’s house, which involved a significant amount of drinking and heroics. It felt good to not have any responsibilities for awhile, and I celebrated that by treating my body like an amusement park. Sadly, the amusement park I’m referring to is more Coney Island than Six Flags of Awesomeness – a sorry derelict roller coaster operated by a 50-year old meth addict who hasn’t slept in four days.

I got some tattoos (it seemed appropriate) up in Massachusetts on Weds. and Thurs. of the week, and on Friday I bid adieu to NY and CT and made my way to NJ to visit Justin. This should have taken me about 2.5 hours, but instead took me 4.5 because it was sprinkling a little rain, which meant every Jersey person had to flip their car on the on ramp of the 2 lane junction of 4 major highways while attempting to cut off a school bus filled with children. You get the idea.

I got up kind of late this morning and was going to leave right away, but Justin tempted me with pancakes and I was powerless to resist. I ended up leaving around 11:30am and made my way to the Delaware water gap before passing into PA.

Pennsyltucky is a very pretty, very boring ride through the Appalachian Mountains – nothing terribly of note happened except for two things. About mid-way through the ride, while I was the only vehicle on the road, I passed a sign that said “Welcome to the Pennsylvania Wilds” with a picture of a fucking deer on it or something. I thought I could faintly hear banjos dueling in the distance. The “Wilds” didn’t look any different than any other part of the highway, and I never encountered a sign that said “Now Leaving the Pennsylvania Wilds – Thanks For Being Sodomized!” or anything, so I don’t know what the hell that was about. I also drove right past a sign that said “Highest Point of Interstate 80 at 2,900,000 feet” or whatever, which would have been cool except they wrote underneath that “(highest point East of the Mississippi)”, which kind of took the wind out of the sails of being great, giving it a “World’s Heaviest Turnip Outside Europe” or “Award for Upper Midwest Regional Small Business Specializing in Grommets of the Year!” feel to it.

I let out a little w00t when I finally got to Ohio, and continued on to Cleaveland where I realized I was tired. I didn’t feel like setting up a tent, so I pulled off at a Motel 8 and got a room which only has a 30% chance of giving me syphilis from the bedding. After settling in I went and got a meal at Sheetz (say it like a Mexican bandito, it’s funnier), a fast food joint whose employees apparently didn’t have a banner year at the union negotiating table since you, the customer, go up to a touch screen and order your meal yourself. I played with the settings for awhile and finally ordered some kind of “pork” sandwich with fries. After I completed my meal, the sole Sheetz employee scrambled to make my meal whilst I wandered off to get some water and, when I returned, got my sandwich. The food itself isn’t too sheety (see what I did there?), but I wouldn’t go and recommend it to someone or anything.

It’s apparently Harrison Ford week on TV, so I watched some Patriot Games and Fugitive before I decided to go to bed. Which is now, so good night.

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