I’ve created a little survey for you about dogs and cats. Hope you enjoy it.
1) Should you eat any of the following?
__ Your poop
__ Someone else’s poop
__ A cough drop that’s big enough to get lodged in your throat and choke you
__ Dried solder
__ Pieces of wood
__ Mysterious berries
__ The rotting carcass of a kitten fetus
__ Old gum
__ That shit is nasty. All I want is some cat food, maybe some plants, and a kitty treat every now and then.
2) Let’s say your human master wants to teach you how to go to the bathroom in a specified place. What should he do?
__ Show me where the litterbox is. I can figure out the rest for myself, thanks.
__ First, teach me how to go to the bathroom on some newspaper, or at least try to, because it doesn’t matter – I go to the bathroom where I like. After a few weeks of this torture, get up at 5:30am and take me out in the freezing rain so I can run around eating nasty shit (see Question 1 above) then, after you’ve almost got hypothermia, come inside where I immediately shit in the middle of the floor. Say “No” in a stern voice, then take me back outside to continue freezing your ass off. Come inside and clean up my shit (I find this funny, personally), then I’ll pee on the floor when you turn around. Repeat this procedure a couple of million times until I finally seem to be “getting it.” When you least expect it, I’ll poop on the floor and laugh. Choke me until I almost pass out, but I’ll be so happy that you’re even paying attention to me that I’ll pee on myself with glee. Console you in your sorrow.
3) Your master is watching TV and you’re in the kitchen, eating. All of a sudden, you notice that a pot roast that has been on the stove has caught fire. What do you do?
__ Bark until my master notices that the house is on fire. If he doesn’t show up, burn up with him in fiery, agonizing pain.
__ Get the fuck out of there
4) One quiet night, a pipe that connects to the radiator bursts. Your master is running around screaming and trying to figure out what to do as gallon upon gallon of hot water spills out all over his worldly possessions. What do you do?
__ Run around in circles, get scared, and hide in the corner with my tail between my legs
__ Chuckle softly in a quiet cat-voice
5) My master has accidentally-on-purpose locked me in my room. What do I do?
__ Sleep. He’ll be back
__ Yip incessantly until he comes to get me out, then pee on the floor
6) It’s time for a car ride. What do you do?
__ Jump into the passenger seat, chew briefly on my toys, and pass out.
__ Meow constantly for hours on end, vomit and pee in my cage, see how long I can growl for, act like it’s the end of the world
7) Your master has just stepped out of the shower. What do you do?
__ Try to lick his feet
__ Tell him to hurry the fuck up and feed me
8) True or False: I like it when my master runs ahead of me and drags me along the ground like James Byrd, Jr.
__ True. I can’t get enough of it. I pee myself with glee.
__ False. If you so much as touch me, I’m going to claw you to death and eat your tongue as it lolls out of your mouth like a swollen, black slug.