OJ Hell (not the running back)

I’ve been having trouble opening my morning orange juice lately. The OJ comes in one of those 10 oz. cartons you used to get milk in when you went to elementary school before they replaced them with miniature “recyclable” plastic jugs. As I’m sure you remember, you have to open up one end by pulling these 2 pieces apart, then pushing on them to pop open a spout on the container.

I don’t know what the fuck Tropicana has been doing, but I swear to god opening the spout has become the single hardest thing on the face of the earth. I think I’ve maybe blown the push thingie part of the OJ opening process 8 out of 10 times over the past few months. The glue is too strong or something.

So I went and asked the internet “why are tropicana juice containers so hard to open?” It told me I was stupid, but it also told me about the Tylenol poisonings in 1982, which triggered a bizarre nostalgia. I remember the Halloween when straight pins were found in different pieces of candy. Back then, my parents were more careful when they examined my candy; they didn’t prohibit me from going out trick-or-treating; these days, I’m literally shocked when I find a trick-or-treater at my door on Halloween. It’s kind of funny, I guess, that Halloween embodies our worst fears – when all the “freaks come out” and all the damage is done. If you want to see what kind of year America is having (paranoia-wise), just check out Halloween in any settled area. People are willing to do all sorts of things to show the terrorists they haven’t won, but allowing their children to accept candy from strangers isn’t one of them.

Anyway, if anyone has any experience opening these OJ containers, please let me know. I don’t know how much longer I can keep jabbing a pen into the side of the box and sucking the OJ out like milk from a teat.

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