n.b. When crazy people email you, it’s best to do as they say
Hi, my name is Stefan and today I made a sock puppet! His name is Captain Wiggles, and I love him. I love him more than anyone else in the world, because he is always there for me, and he never minds if I swear or spill paint on the carpet.
I spent four hours making Captain Wiggles. It took that long because it needed to. So he would be perfect. I think he’s
beautiful, don’t you? SAY IT! Say he’s fucking beautiful or I’ll kill you!
After he was complete, we went to see my wife, and say hello. She wasn’t very enthused about Captain Wiggles, and she looked at us kind of funny. Then she told me to put him away, and asked how I could spend all morning make a sock puppet, but couldn’t get my ass out of the house to mow the lawn. Everything started to spin, and her voice just turned into this nasal screeching, and Captain Wiggles was suddenly holding a pair of scissors, and he wanted to do very bad things. I had to run away so I could stop him, and we got in the car and peeled out.
My head was still pounding, so Captain Wiggles drove for awhile. We ended up at McDonald’s. This was good, because I was hungry, and Captain Wiggles said he we needed to keep my strength up. Because he loves me. He got me a Happy Meal, and it was very tasty. Nobody else ever lets me have Happy Meals. This is another reason why I love Captain Wiggles.
I love him so god damn much.
After I ate, Captain Wiggles said he wanted a chocloate shake, so we got back in line. The clerk said that the shake machine was busted. Captain Wiggles didn’t like that. It made him angry. Seeing Captain Wiggles angry made me angry! He told me to go in the back. I did. The clerk kept saying I couldn’t go back there, and started yelling for his manager. Yelling like a dirty bitch. Capatin Wiggles said to ignore him. I did. Then Captain Wiggles told me to get a knife. He told me to stab the clerk. Stab him real good.
Everything started to spin again. When I cleared my head, there was blood everywhere. My voice was hoarse from screaming. Captain Wiggles said I was screaming about how you had to twist the knife when it went in, “until you heard the pop!”. I don’t remember that. Captain Wiggles said we had to run, and hide.
Now I’m safe. Captain Wiggles showed me how to break into Eric’s house, and where his computer is. I’m posting this so everybody knows that I’m okay, and that it wasn’t me that did those bad things, no matter what the security cameras say. After I post this, we will go and hide somewhere far away, like Mexico. Captain Wiggles says the women are real slutty there, and we can buy hash on the cheap.
Captin Wiggles loves me.
Uh oh. Sounds like Eric is home! We better hide, Captain Wiggles! Captain Wiggles, what’s that? Where did you get an icepick from?