Big F’ing Dorks Unite, Take Back the Night!

So, I’ve been at geekfest 2K3 this week; it’s been really great. I like programming conventions so much better than gaming conventions; you may or may not know this, but gamers smell. Bad.

I suddenly have the urge to go on a rant. Why can’t those son-of-a-bitches take a goddamn shower? They’re screwing it up for the rest of us, giving us a bad name and all. Next thing you know, we’ll be right next to furries or something on the Geek Scale (PS don’t read too much of that last link; you’ll go insane). If you keep going to conventions, gaming groups, or whatever smelling like a sack of poo, stop already. Are you attempting to take some sort of pride in your anti-social behavior? Is this your vengeance for years of crappy high school life? If that’s so, I’ve got news:


Here’s my five rules of gaming conventions n.b.:
1) Deodorant and a clean shirt is NOT a substitute for a shower. Many of you need to bathe in pure lye.
2) Your ass-crack is loathsome. Buy a goddamn belt.
3) If you eat enough Doritos, the smell of cheese begins to ooze through your sin. Altoids will not cover this up.
4) In case you’re curious, your breath does, indeed, smell.
5) If you put that stank-ass Polyhedron magazine baseball cap anywhere near me, I will incinerate you with my flame thrower.

All you nerds! You know who you are!! There are other good, wholesome individuals out here who are trying to live good lives without the negative moniker or the need to purchase a gas mask. Eat right! Bathe! Clean up after yourself!

Now, what did I do with those Ding Dongs…

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