Tha Yeehaw Jihad

So, there’s this war on.

Not really much to say about it. Which is why I’ve been trying to see if I can develop my latent telekinetic abilities.

You know what I’m saying. You’re on the couch, and you really want to put Ghostbusters on pause, but the remote control is over there by the television, and you don’t want to feel like a putz getting up, getting the remote, going back to the couch, sitting down, and putting the movie on pause. It’s like people who, while vacuuming, pick up a big piece of whatever from the floor to see what it is, examine it closely, and then put back on the floor to see if the vacuum will pick it up again. If you were telekinetic, you wouldn’t have to put up with that kind of crap.

I always think of all the cool shit I could do with telekinesis. I could open non-automatic doors – with my mind. I could put burritos in the microwave – with my mind.

Because my mind hasn’t been doing much lately, except working.

So I’ve been staring at this pencil all day, thinking about Luke in Empire Strikes Back (you know, when he’s in that ice cave with the Snow Monster, and his lightsaber’s in the snow and he can’t reach it and shit), and seeing if I can get this pencil to roll over. The pencil thing is something I used to do at the library all the time; nice and quiet place to develop my latent telekinetic ability. Or lack thereof. The pencil hasn’t moved yet, but I figure if I chant “there IS no spoon” over and over enough times, that shit will move.

Then I’ll never get off the couch again.

Sorry to all the dead Iraqis – my advice is that next time, make sure you’re born as a white dude in the US. That way, you can spend your morning getting pencils to move with your mind instead of watching your entire country burn under the fiery onslaught of your invaders.

This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.